Ectothermic Elegy

That day, I stood by the window, 
        a knit thrown over my shoulders—blood-wrung
red wings. Listened to hail pound 
        the roof of my two hearts while the white sun 
stayed put. There was a moment 
               of betrayal that asked for a room to stay in,
       shuddering fins tucked 
               beneath her waistcoat. I let what came
come knowingly. I gave you the language to call me what I was. 
        I know—but our species of violence 
               sings best in harmony, wears 
        such pretty-toothed pearls. 
When sand glass rose 
              voice-like around my ankles & stung
                         my eyes, you washed my feet & still
I bore the sin of us. Because of what I chose
        to remember. Because of how you laughed 
              as your friend christened me 
creature, washed-up, beer bottle in hand. Because 
        when the house filled with muddied water,
               duckweed twisting around table legs, chipped
teacups & perfume bottles suspended 
        in the green, I found the brass knob 
               that led out & didn’t dare touch it. 
In this way, I unlearn the mechanics 
        of girlhood. I grow loose gills,
fangs. I develop new lips, dead blue. I set fire 
        to caution at the bottom of the ocean. The place
               where I asked you to live 
in exchange for my loneliness.  
        The place that is still somehow mine. 
All I really wanted was to be held
        like a feathered thing, white-down neck
impossibly soft. And yet, 
                as the algae floor drops out from under me, 
I only but press my tongue against a chewed cheek. I hold on 
        to what can kill me—evidence of less 
               & less every day. 

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Amanda Gaines is an Appalachian writer with a Ph.D. in creative writing from Oklahoma State University. Her work has been published or is forthcoming in Passages North, Cleaver, Potomac Review, Barrelhouse, Fugue, december, Witness, Southern Humanities Review, Willow Springs, Yemassee, Redivider, New Orleans Review, Southeast Review, The Southern Review, Juked, Rattle, Pleiades, SmokeLong Quarterly, Ninth Letter, and Superstition Review. She’s currently a Teaching Assistant Professor and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Tennessee.