Australian Department of Home Affairs Application ID: 0002339445
DISCLAIMER: BY APPLYING FOR THIS VISA, YOU ACKNOWLEDGE THAT NOTHING YOU SAY IN THIS APPLICATION IS UNTRUE. ANY FALSE STATEMENTS WILL IMMEDIATELY RENDER YOUR APPLCIATION VOID AND COULD AMOUNT TO A SERIOUS CRIMINAL OFFENCE. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE?
[x] I acknowledge the disclaimer and wish to continue.
PART I: Background
NAME:
Coda Lavaluka Danu-Asmara
DATE OF BIRTH:
March 20th, 1996.
COUNTRY OF BIRTH:
United States of America
BUT WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM?
I was born in New York City.
OKAY, BUT WHERE ARE YOU REALLY FROM?
My mother was also born in the United States. My father was born in Indonesia.
(note: data on ethnicity is collected only for diagnostic purposes and will only be used as the determinative factor in your application.)
I acknowledge that:
[x] I have non-Caucasian ancestry. [x] I have Jewish ancestry. [x] I will ever so slightly reduce the Anglo-Saxon demographics of Australia with my presence. [x] Ultimately, de-facto segregation of major cities propagates racial harmony, and I will stay in the correct Local Government Area. [x] The dismantling of the White Australia policy in the 1970s definitively ended racial discrimination in the immigration process. [x] Racial prejudice on a personal level is basically eradicated in Australia. [x] Some systemic racism could still exist but it will only affect me a little bit. [x] My skin tone will prevent me from ever serving in any position of power in Australia, despite the demographics of the country representing me.
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PART II: Education
PRIMARY EDUCATION:
Friends Seminary – Attended from 2001 until 2014
[x] I acknowledge that, in attending this school, I was the recipient of a scholarship and affirmative action, thereby taking the position from somebody more worthy, and it is only my just desserts if I am passed up for this visa.
SECONDARY EDUCATION:
Brown University – Attended from 2014 until 2018
Degree: AB, History
I acknowledge that:
[x] My degree is not desirable as per the 2022 Policy Directives. [x] Nevertheless, going to such an institution makes me simply better and more desirable than other applicants. [x] I was extremely grateful to have the opportunity to go to such a wonderful and prestigious institution.
TERTIARY/FURTHER EDUCATION
University of Sydney – Attended from 2020 until 2022
Degree: Juris Doctor
I acknowledge that:
[x] Australian higher learning institutions are just as good as ones outside of the country. [x] The sandstone campus built in the early 20th century does not look tacky at all. [x] Pathetic pretentions to a colonial British past are not embarrassing. [x] Appearances are more important than anything else. [x] The campus was built on Indigenous land. [x] The land was rightly ceded. [x] I am grateful for that.
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PART III: Criminal Background and Health
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CHARGED WITH THE COMMISSION OF A CRIME?
[ ] Yes [x] Not yet.
(note: the Department doesn’t believe you.)
DO YOU OWE A DEBT TO THE AUSTRALIAN COMMONWEALTH OR TO ANY OTHER GOVERNMENT?
[ ] Yes [x] Only inasmuch as I am in debt for the privilege to apply for a visa
PLEASE ENUMERATE YOUR EXTREMIST POLITICAL BELIEFS
Extremist political beliefs include (check all that apply):
[x] Collective bargaining [x] Caring for others [x] Wanting respect for my identity [x] Seeking equality in all things [x] Wanting sea levels to stop rising [x] Not being afraid of what could happen tomorrow [x] Being afraid of what happened yesterday [ ] Believing that prose poetry is a valid art form [x] Any other strongly held belief, as defined in the Migration Regulation 1994 (Cth) Sch. 16
Note that such extremist beliefs shall not prejudice your application but may make it more difficult for you to integrate into the country’s culture of apathy and complacency.
MEDICAL ACKNOWLEDMENTS
I acknowledge that:
[x] I do not have tuberculosis. [x] I do not have HIV/AIDS. [x] I do not have cancer. [x] I do not have a terminal illness. [x] I do not give to charity. [x] I only love in moderation. [x] I did not come to Australia to abuse the wonderful and generous public health system. [x] I am autistic. [x] Being autistic does not prevent me from being a productive member of society. [x] Being autistic is not expensive. [x] Being autistic is not that bad. [x] Even if it was, I would not complain about it.
PLEASE BE AWARE
After you submit this form, you must undergo a mandatory medical check.
Until the medical check is complete, you must be referred to only by your application number by friends, family and governmental officials so that the doctors observing your movements for the next six to twelve months will be able to easily identify you.
[x] I acknowledge that until the medical check is complete, I will be referred to only as 0002339445. [x] I give consent for any necessary surveillance of my person, family, friends or anybody else connected to my application.
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PART IV: Your Partner and Commitment
VISA SUBCLASS:
820 (Partner, Temporary)
PARTNER NAME:
Theresa Nguyen
HAS YOUR PARTNER EVER BEEN CHARGED WITH THE COMMISSION OF A CRIME?
[ ] Yes, many [x] Only the one: sponsoring a mongrel from overseas.
PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR COMMITMENT TO THIS RELATIONSHIP, AS PER THE GUIDELINES SET OUT IN THE MIGRATION ACT 1958 (CTH):
We share a mutual understanding and goal toward the future.
We plan to live together.
We plan to spend our finances on Australian made goods and services.
We will pay our taxes on time and with a smile on our faces.
We will love and respect a monarchical tradition in a country otherwise apathetic towards it.
We will love each other within the confines of the prior and subsequent conditions.
PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR COMMITMENT TO THE AUSTRALIAN STATE, AS PER THE GUIDELINES SET OUT IN THE MIGRATION ACT 1958 (CTH):
I will use my skills and qualifications to further the Australian economy.
I will become a qualified lawyer and uphold the law without question.
I will not be a labour activist.
I will not ask any of my family to migrate over, unless they are very wealthy.
(note: the Department knows they are not.)
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PART V: Rights and Obligations
RIGHT TO APPEAL
As per a regrettable decision handed down by our somewhat independent judiciary, the Department must inform you of your right to an appeal if your application is not successful.
Your appeal will take place in Migration Division of the Administrative Appeals Tribunal.
You have the right to a speedy appeal process. You are guaranteed to be heard in at least five years after you first hear that you application fails.
While you have the right to appeal, you do not have the right to succeed. That is not a function of the law. That is a function of life.
RIGHT TO A MIGRATION AGENT OR SOLICITOR
You have the right to be aided in your application by a migration agent or qualified solicitor.
In order to prejudice poorer applicants, the department has made it impossible to succeed on this application without one.
[x] I have been aided in this application by a migration agent or a solicitor.
Agent or Solicitor name: J----- B----- of I----- Legal.
FURTHER INFORMATION REQUIRED
The Department may need further information in order to process your application.
If that is the case, an agent of the Department will be dispatched in order to collect that information. Please keep your windows open and doors unlocked so that the agent can have easy access to your abode.
FINAL ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
In submitting this application, I acknowledge that:
[x] I cannot leave the country while the visa is processing. [x] Even if I could, I would no longer want to leave the country – that is the whole point of the application, after all. [x] I will not make any political statements about the immigration process, in particular writing a farcical story that satirises the process of applying. [x] My future is in your hands, please don’t fuck me over, I beg of you.
PAYMENT
After submitting the application, an invoice of $8750 will be sent to your email. Please pay this invoice as soon as possible. The department accepts all credit and debit cards, bank transfers, and gold bullion.
SIGNED
0002339445 (The applicant formally known as Coda Lavaluka Danu-Asmara)
[SUBMIT APPLICATION]
THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING YOUR APPLICATION FOR PARTNER VISA (SUBCLASS 820)!
Your application will be processed.
Please be patient.
No further updates will be provided.
Do not contact the Department.
The Department will contact you.
Just wait.
Coda Danu-Asmara is an American-born labor activist and writer living in Australia. His previous works of fiction have been published in ANMLY, Thrice Magazine, The Write Launch, and others. He has been nominated for a Pushcart Prize, the Best of the Net, and the Best American Short Stories.
