the scout master called my father
says and i can tell by the switch in his
throat that this is the night he
will die
we head to church an hour before
the troop meeting master waits for us
outside watches as we stomp through
unkempt
oklahoma grasses no one’s bothered to mow down
now son the master says something about you
has come to my attention and
i’m afraid
you have some explaining to do the boys
tell me you call yourself a certain word
on facebook that instead of male your profile says
transgender
the word looks so dirty as it crumbles out his mouth
and falls to the ground scout master slides his boot
back and forth over it as if to grind it down into
the red earth
my father stares at master and mouths the word
transgender he turns to me and mouths the word
son i stare into his eyes as they plead
please
scout master slips a switch into
my hand the blade pointed away
just like we’re taught and says be
careful son
my hand shakes searching my father for
a spot to shove the knife a humane death
is quick and painless the wounded
should not suffer
i hear my father the scout master
as whispers in my quivering hand
be careful son be careful son
please
i watch as the switch turns toward me
as the blade slips between my lips i cannot tell
whose hand is holding it i can only feel
the blood
dribbling out my mouth as it
carves up my girl tongue severs trans
gender from my speech and i spit it out onto the grass
and dirt below
the word just means i don’t believe in gender
roles i hear myself tell the men they ease
as i call it a political statement but nothing more
we enter the church and prepare for the troop meeting
i leave my tongue to decompose in the oklahoma chickweeds
knowing wounded i chose to lie to spare my father’s life
Jennessa Hester is a transgender writer and scholar working out of Lubbock, Texas. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Cream City Review, HAD, Rust + Moth, and elsewhere. She serves as a managing editor for the Iron Horse Literary Review and poetry editor for Wrong Publishing. Find her on social at @cherrypoppunk.
