A Survivor’s Guide to Bear Attacks

by Joanna Gordon

Never look a bear in the eye. If he sees you, if you see him, if you both have a moment of prolonged eye contact (longer than three seconds), consider yourself hunted. When you look at a bear, when you see the wrinkles behind his eyes, the slick of his parted hair, he becomes more flesh and bone, less fur or foot. He will become real to you—something that can’t be described in a guidebook—just as you become real to him.
1. If you do by chance meet his eyes, bare your teeth into a smile. Slip one hand into your pocket, slowly, stroke the lid of your pepper spray, fist your keys, make a quick list of who has spoken to you last, who would notice if you were killed, or worse, attacked.

Never approach a bear from behind. It is important to keep a safe distance from bears at all times. Bears are jumpy. Even if he cannot see you, he smells you—you’re sweat-fear, grape-flavored, a too-sweet girl-musk.
1. Pro-Tip: a helpful way to maintain a healthy distance between yourself and said bear is to wear large, chunky necklaces, wrap yourself in thick burly sweaters, or grow your body hair long enough to create a healthy bush between you and said bear.

If you ever feel unsafe, do not run. You are already prey. A bear will chase you regardless. He will slip vodka down your throat. A bottle down the hatchet, a finger down the girl. He will give your friends the slip, say you left, went home, passed out—he will find you on the way to the bathroom, in line for tacos, at the grocery store, a slippery smirk offering a ride home. It’s safe to assume that you are a game because you leave your scent everywhere. You leave strands of hair stuck to the branches like a flag. Consider that you are always being hunted.
1. If you think you can outrun a bear, you cannot.
2. Bears can run up to 30 mph and have a keen sense of direction. They will always smell an alleyway before seeing one. Climbing a tree to escape a bear is also not recommended. Bears are excellent at climbing trees.

In the presence of a bear, perhaps consider wearing camouflage clothing or thick leather. A lovely war bodice made of steel or a bra that flattens your breasts into a single potato.
1. If you plan on visiting any of the popular watering holes—dense forests, sports bars, subalpine meadows, dance halls, arctic tundras, movie theaters—consider that certain shapes are indicative of the woman. Bears will look for these shapes: the glint of a gold necklace, a bra strap, a watch, a pointed shoe, a hoop earring, a jean skirt, a reusable shopping bag. Bears are familiar with the shape of a woman’s shadow. Any garment can give you away. Break up the lines of your silhouette by placing small amounts of vegetation from the surrounding area in your purse, equipment, and headgear. Sometimes you can deter a bear from noticing you by hiding in low-lying areas such as underneath a barstool or a grassy knoll.

** Correction. Even when bears cannot see you, they smell you.

It has been proven that it is sometimes helpful to befriend a bear. They too, enjoy a nice pint or a warm cup of coffee in the early evenings just as much as you do. If you leave a trail of beef jerky all the way to your destination, a bear is sure to follow. If you plan to communicate with said bear, be sure to approach them with a slow shuffle, pin back your hair neatly and place those hands where we can see them. Speak calmly and clearly, would you like to hang out, bro.

** adding a colloquial bro can often help bears feel at home in their own den, it is a useful tag that reminds bears that you are not a threat, or worse a sexual object**

Don’t forget to use appropriate body language and gestures to clearly express that you are just friends, just friends.

However, befriending bears does not prevent future bear attacks. Unfortunately, flesh is still flesh, oily and tangy and so delicious. While bears can appear quite harmless when they watch your cat for the weekend, or when introduced to your parents or friends, they are still foragers by nature. They eat with their fingers, they peel the woman away from her core, they bite into the olive with their front teeth, suck her dry saving nothing for later.
1. We’d all like to think that bears are polite. We want to believe that bears are taught to say, please, thank you, after you. We want to think that after they eat their fill, they will wipe the corners of their mouths with a napkin. But let’s get real—Bears, even the best ones, do not know how to stop eating.
2. Which also means, do not ever, ever feed a bear. Feeding a bear may result in the loss of fingers, chewed up tonsils, nipples ripped off breasts, serious sleep-deprivation, post-traumatic stress, and an inability to forge intimate relationships. You might even lose your wallet.

If caught in the presence of a bear, drop down into the fetal position and cover the back of your neck with your hands. When a strong cloud of pepper-spray has not deterred them, when your cell phone goes missing, when you come home and he is lying naked in your bed, play dead. They may kiss your throat, your ears, paw at your shoulders to see if you’re still breathing but you must remain completely still. Bears will sometimes stop attacking you if they feel there’s no longer a threat. It’s just easier this way.
1. Others will say that you should’ve run, should’ve screamed, but they are wrong. They have not been attacked by a bear. If a bear thinks you’re dead, they will at least finish with you faster.
2. Once the bear is done tossing you around continue to play dead. Sometimes bears like to cuddle before leaving, sometimes they wait to see if you will try to get back up. It’s a test.

Never enter into a bear’s den alone.
Never show a bear who you are. You are a beetle. You are all underbelly. To survive, you must greet them with your back turned. You must scuttle away backwards and sideways. You must clutch the walls when spoken to.
Consequently, never let a bear know you, really know you. Even the nice ones. Even the nicest of bears—the ones that leave chocolate and a glass of water on their nightstand for you because they know it helps you sleep, even bears who hold you with their whole body, their furry paws tangled around yours, even bears who stroke your hair and kiss the heat of your neck when the night terrors come. No matter who the bear is, no matter how tender his touch, never show him how you unhinge.

Never split and unfurl like ribbon. Do not ever show them your ribbons.

If he is the bear you are the fish, he will spit you out scale by scale—his mouth glittering with pieces of you.

**Please note, the writer of this list does not encourage or recommend people to go out and find a bear to practice these skills with. Please do not try this at home. Unless the bear lives at home.

** Please also note, this is not an exhaustive list of all bear behaviors. Bears are highly sensitive and unpredictable creatures.

**In truth, we don’t really understand why bears attack us, if it is the scent of our legacy or their own blind hunger. We do not know if it is nature or nurture, if bodies are like land—stolen, ravaged, left to burn.

JOANNA GORDON is a former Assistant Managing Editor for Bellingham Review and a graduate of Western Washington University’s MFA program. Her work has appeared in The Tenderness Project and The Shore.